Dinner for one

Gone Surfing

If you were to host a fantasy dinner party, and could pick any famous figure to attend, who would get an invite?

It’s the kind of question routinely asked of beauty queens and Come Dine With Me contestants, and the answers are usually so safe, they probably come with their own airbags.

Nelson Mandela? A Miss South Africa hopeful would be accused of not taking the crown seriously if she failed to pencil that name on the guest list. I’ve also heard of Ghandi and Jesus cracking the nod.

I can understand why someone would pick those names as their dinner VIPs, but in all honesty, it’s going to make for one boring evening. These are figures who have, singlehandedly, changed the course of history. There is a certain element of decorum to consider.

You could never get away with calling Jesus “The J-Meister” after an evening of alcohol-feulled bonhomie. Although, I suppose, he’d probably forgive you. Or slap Madiba on the back after telling a particularly rude joke over dessert. If this were a Come Dine With Me situation, could you really expect Ghandi to comply with the 70s Disco theme? Or moan that he didn’t include a meat option in his vegetarian menu? Could you mark Jesus down for serving fish and bread as his main? Or slide a jug of water over to him and raise a knowing eyebrow?

I haven’t a clue who I’d invite to my ultimate dinner party, but I know who I wouldn’t. Andrew Zimmern.

Now, I really like Andrew Zimmern. Next to the estemmed Rick Stein, he is my favourite TV foodie. I do my best not to miss his shows, even the reruns (and boy do DStv love them some reruns). He comes across as a very affable chap, and he clearly has led a very colourful life. For those who haven’t yet latched onto the Zimmern phenomenon, he’s the host of Bizarre Foods and Bizarre Foods America – here he ventures off the beaten culinary path into jungles, swamps and roadside diners to feast on all manner of bugs, reptiles and crazy looking crustaceans. His appetite, in general, seems pretty voracious, and he’s armed with the kind of fearless palette that can appreciate notes of decomposition. I’m sure there are sea creatures that have survived mass extinctions who stop swimming when Zimmern is in town, lest they blow their cover.

All of which, though fun to watch, presents a bit of a problem when you’re deciding on a menu. I consider myself an adventurous eater, but there are levels to this business. This is, after all, a man who said he preferred lungs in a stew, to beef. I’ve often wondered what Mrs Zimmern serves up on the day her husband returns from one of his trips. Could she seriously expect to get away with a boring chicken à la King when her husband is raving about a bowl of steaming ant larvae he had in Peru? Perhaps, but only because he loves her.