Two seconds from a taai klap from Tyson

Gone Surfing

In the ho-hum rom-com Couples Retreat, Vince Vaughn confesses to digging through what he calls “the fan favourites” when having sex with his wife. These are a collection of pornographic fantasies squirreled away in the seediest reaches of a man’s brain, ready to be relived, eyes tightly shut, to erm, keep up spirits, shall we say.

Me? I would never do that.

Which is not to say that I don’t have my own version of the fan favourites. These are funny YouTube videos that never fail to lift my spirits on those days when the slog seems boring and neverending, and the highveld heat compounds the misery. Days like Friday. And Monday. Honestly, I’ve had my doubts about Wednesday and Thursday too.

Right now, my favourite such video has to be a Canadian television appearance by none other than Mike Tyson.

The former Baddest Man on the Planet was in town to promote Undisputed Truth, the theatrical show which featured Tyson expounding on the stories in his autobiography. Often drenched in sweat. The show was a hot ticket for a while, with Spike Lee directing the action for a DVD, and the brawny former pro-boxer proved he could still be nimble when the stage demanded so.

He could also, despite the wear and tear of a life lived in extreme excess, quite easily still kick your ass. Which is nearly what he did to television presenter Nathan Downer who, quite inexplicably, turned what should have been a fluffy interview into career hari-kiri.

Obviously gagging to trend that morning, Downer kicks things off by calling Tyson a “convicted rapist”. And at that point, the interview is over. Tyson’s eyes start twitching, darting all over the place as if trying to ascertain from where the next assault will be launched. He may as well have started bobbing and weaving, because from this pouint onwards, he’s about to duck every question thrown his way.

“It’s so interesting cos you come across as a nice guy but you’re really a piece of shit,” says Tyson, and it’s on.

“Hey, come on,” protests Downer, a man whose day is about to live up to his name.

“No, f*** you, that was a piece of shit,” continues Tyson, by now oblivious to cameras.

“Hey,” says Downer, trying to regain control of the situation, “ we’re on live TV.”

Having done his research into Tyson’s rap sheet, Downer somehow managed to overlook the fact that Tyson’s live appearances are usually preceeded by the anouncement “... and for the millions watching around the globe”. At which point, Mike would try to put his fist through someone’s face. Or bite an ear off. Nathan Downer don’t want none of this, and Mike, a picture of restraint if you ask me, lets him know.

“Hey, I don’t care. What are you gonna do about it,” he says, slapping his hand down upon his meaty thigh, the circumference of which could quite easily surpass the dimensions of Downers waist.

He’s reeling. So am I, my eyes flooded with tears. But plucky Downer decides to punch his way out of trouble. He changes tack, and poses a boxing question. What did Mike find more nerve-wrecking: being on stage or on the ring.

He forgets that Mike is, by now, a wiley veteran. Having sensed blood, he isn’t about to ease off on the pressure.

“I dunno,” he says. “It’s more nerve-wrecking to hear us talking to a rat piece of s**t like you.”

Oh yes, there is an us. Sitting alongside Mike the entire time is the show’s promoter, loving every moment of this exchange like it’s a McDonald’s symposium. He throws in an info dump here and there, but mostly he’s happy to sit back and let Mike work Downer over, content in the knowlege that this Canadian kerfuffle will put even more bums on seats. Right there, Downer looks like a big ol’ dollar sign to him. I wouldn’t be surprised if he himself slipped that question onto the auto-cue.

If you ever needed a reminder that there’s no TV like live TV, watch this. It’s as compelling as the EFF getting bum-rushed by security in parliament, or that time AWB secretary general Andre Visagie touched Chris Maroleng on his studio.