Friendships are one of life’s most beautiful gifts. They come in all shapes and sizes—from childhood playmates to university peers, work colleagues or even a best friend who’s decades older than you.
Strangers can become family, and these connections form the foundation of our lives. Personally, I’ve experienced how powerful these bonds can be.
Moving from the Eastern Cape to Cape Town, I had to rebuild my social circle from scratch. Strangers became my chosen family and their support for me and my daughter has been invaluable.
It’s these relationships that remind us how deeply we crave connection.
However, as we seek meaningful relationships, the contemporary conversation has increasingly highlighted the dangers of toxicity within them.
Labels like “toxic” and “pick-me” are now part of our vernacular, illuminating a fundamental truth: we all yearn for love, respect and recognition in the same way we strive to offer it.
To help us navigate this delicate terrain, David Robson’s insightful article from the BBC, as well as his book “The Laws of Connection”, offer a compelling examination of how to transform our social interactions for the better.
Robson cites five pivotal strategies to avoid becoming the very friend we dread — an accidental frenemy.
Be consistent
No one likes uncertainty, especially when it comes to friendships or relationships. Imagine going to a friend for advice or support, only to be met with unpredictability —sometimes they’re helpful, other times dismissive or even upsetting.
This kind of fair-weather behaviour creates “ambivalent relationships”, which research shows can be more stressful than outright toxic ones.
Takeaway: Be dependable. If you care about someone, show it consistently. Don’t leave your loved ones wondering whether you’re going to show up for them or not.
Stop assuming others can read your mind
Ever felt unappreciated because someone didn’t notice your efforts? Or assumed people knew how much you cared about them, only to realize they didn’t?
This is a common mistake called the “illusion of transparency”. We tend to overestimate how well others can understand our thoughts and emotions.
Takeaway: Don’t assume people know how you feel. Say “thank you”, express your love, and let your friends and partners know they matter. A small gesture can go a long way.
Validate feelings, but offer new perspectives
When someone shares their struggles, it’s easy to respond with judgment or a dismissive attitude — both hallmarks of toxic behaviour.
But being empathetic doesn’t just mean agreeing with someone’s feelings; it also means helping them grow from the experience.
Ethan Kross from the University of Michigan suggests asking thoughtful questions to help someone see their situation differently. For example:
- Why do you think this event was so stressful for you?
- Have you learned anything from this experience?
- Looking at the big picture, does this situation make more sense now?
This approach can bring closure and clarity, while simply encouraging someone to vent may lead to rumination and deeper distress.
Takeaway: Be a safe space for your loved ones, but don’t just sit in the negativity with them. Help them reframe and find a way forward.
Celebrate successes: share in their joy
We’re often quick to empathise with our friends’ pain, but how often do we celebrate their wins with the same enthusiasm?
“Confelicity” or shared happiness is just as important as shared pain. Shelly Gable at the University of California found that positive moments in relationships are often overlooked, even though they strengthen bonds.
If your friend gets a promotion, aces an exam, or achieves a personal milestone, don’t hold back your excitement. Jealousy and competition can creep into relationships, but celebrating others’ successes makes everyone feel more connected.
Takeaway: Be your friends’ biggest cheerleader. Their wins don’t diminish yours — they strengthen your bond.
Be the first to say sorry
We all mess up. Whether it’s a thoughtless comment, forgetting something important, or being unavailable when someone needs us, mistakes happen.
But holding onto pride and refusing to apologise can damage relationships long-term. Research shows that people often overestimate the pain of apologising and underestimate how much relief it can bring.
A good apology has four key ingredients:
1. Acknowledge what you did wrong.
2. Show genuine regret.
3. Offer to make amends.
4. Explain how you’ll avoid repeating the mistake.
Takeaway: Don’t let resentment fester. Be vulnerable enough to admit when you’re wrong and take steps to rebuild trust.