Research indicates that couples who maintain personal identities alongside shared experiences report higher satisfaction in their relationships.
Image: Andres Ayrton/pexels
There’s a tension many people aren’t ready for: loving someone deeply, yet quietly feeling invisible.
It shows up in the small moments. The Valentine’s Day you brushed off as commercial. The hobby you tolerated but never really respected.
The decision you made without looping them in because, technically, it didn’t feel like a big deal. And then comes the question that lands like a punch: “Did you even consider me?”
According to Johannesburg-based psychologist Sanam Naran, this is where most relationship breakdowns begin, not with betrayal, but with emotional misattunement.
“One of the things I see most in couples therapy,” Naran explains, “is how often one person says, ‘This matters to me,’ and the other person doesn’t quite understand the weight of that statement.”
In other words, the issue isn’t the flowers. It’s what the flowers represent.
The real red flag isn’t the difference; it’s dismissal.
Scroll through TikTok, and you’ll find playful trends like the “mean girl, soft boy” dynamic girlfriends hyping up their boyfriends’ obscure plant collections or gaming obsessions. It’s cute. It’s exaggerated.
But beneath the humour is something serious: emotional support in relationships.
Research from the Gottman Institute shows that couples who “turn toward” each other’s bids for attention, small requests for interest, affirmation, or shared joy, build stronger long-term bonds. Ignoring or minimising those bids erodes trust over time.
But here’s the nuance Naran brings: showing up doesn’t mean self-abandonment.
“When your partner tells you something, it means something to them; it’s not about the gesture itself,” she says. “It’s revealing a soft spot, a longing to be chosen. The question isn’t whether it makes sense to you. It’s whether you’re able to hold something that holds meaning for them.”
That doesn’t mean overriding your own boundaries. It means learning the difference between discomfort and compromise.
Who doesn’t want to feel considered? Not logically considered. Emotionally considered.
Research from the Gottman Institute shows that couples who “turn toward” each other’s bids for attention small requests for interest, affirmation, or shared joy build stronger long-term bonds.
Image: Viktoria Slowikowska/pexels
Psychological studies on attachment theory, originally developed by John Bowlby and further developed by Mary Ainsworth, demonstrate that secure relationships are founded on responsiveness. It’s not enough to say, “Of course I thought about you.” Your partner has to feel it.
And that’s where many couples, especially parents raising children while juggling work, financial stress, and generational expectations, struggle.
Environmental and social pressures matter. Economic strain, parenting fatigue, and cultural norms about gender roles shape how we show up. When you’re overwhelmed, it’s harder to lean into someone else’s emotional needs. Survival mode shrinks empathy.
But Naran is clear: you don’t get to decide what is important to your partner.
“Relationships deepen when we treat our person’s ‘this matters to me’ as sacred,” she explains. “Even if we wouldn’t ask for that specific thing ourselves.”
So how do you support your partner’s interests, emotions, and desires without losing yourself?
First, recognise that different hobbies or passions are not threats to intimacy. Research published in the "Journal of Social and Personal Relationships" suggests that couples who maintain individual identities alongside shared experiences report higher relationship satisfaction.
Translation: You don’t have to love the plants. You just have to respect that the plants matter.
Second, communicate boundaries clearly. Support does not mean compliance. If a request compromises your values, finances, or well-being, that’s a different conversation. Healthy relationships require mutual respect, not silent resentment.
Finally, bridge the gap between your partner’s needs and realities. Many adults carry childhood wounds into romantic partnerships, longing to feel chosen, heard and prioritised. When your partner reacts strongly to something small, it may not be about the surface issue. It may be about an old story being activated.
That awareness changes everything.
At its core, this old-age relationship question is: How do I show up for you without disappearing myself? demands emotional maturity.
It asks us to hold two truths at once: Your needs matter. So do theirs.
In a culture quick to label every inconvenience a red flag, Naran’s message feels steadier, more grounded. Love is not about constant agreement. It’s about emotional presence. It’s about saying, “I see that this matters to you,” and meaning it.
Not because you’re forced to. But because you choose to.